Written by the dads @ fathers.com

Do you fully appreciate the benefits your children's mother brings to their lives -- and your life? It's no revelation that women are different from men in many ways. Often, those differences can be sources of conflict, and those differences involve much more than where one squeezes the toothpaste. Having children really brings these differences to the surface, whether it's how you approach discipline, household tasks for the kids, or your time commitment to work and family.

It's important to learn to understand, accept and honor the differences between yourself and your wife (or children's mother). Your children need something that she is uniquely equipped to give; they benefit from her approach to parenting just like they benefit from yours. In many disagreements, the real issue isn't about who's right and who's wrong; it's a matter of understanding and appreciating differences. Your job is to learn to be complimentary instead of contradictory. Children need to see what healthy, loving marriages look like.

Here are three quick pointers to help you understand your wife or children's mother:

1. Learn to appreciate and meet her emotional needs. As a general rule, compared to you a woman connects more through conversation, she places higher value on thoughtful and romantic gestures, and her identity is more attached to her home. How do those generalities describe your wife? If you don't know, ask her (and listen)! Read about more male/female differences .
2. Know her "love language." What makes her feel loved the most? Is it gifts? Time together? Acts of service? Physical affection? All of these are important, but too many husbands think they're showing love when they're actually "speaking the wrong language." You may be expressing love by bringing her gifts, but if her language is spoken words, then she isn't getting the message. She may even think you're trying to buy her love. Or, you may be doing good works for her to get out of the dog house, but what she really needs is for you to spend more time talking and listening to her. Here's a helpful resource to learn more .
3. Communicate about expectations. It's hard to have a strong marriage or be a great parenting team if you aren't working toward the same goal. Ask her, "What's your idea of a good marriage?" And answer the question yourself. Talk about your parents' marriages and qualities in other marriages you may want to emulate or avoid.

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Written by Bill Beahm

Date Posted: Monday, 30 April 2007

The Williams family was at it again. Mom accused Dad of being rude to her that morning, and Dad denied it. His memory, he claimed, was much more accurate than hers. Mom said he was crazy—if he couldn't even remember to put up the toilet seat, how could he claim to remember the fight?! Dad exploded in anger, and mom said he was acting just like his father. Dad yelled that she was stupid and overweight.

At that point, twelve-year-old Jenny came in for some help with a math problem, and Dad told her to shut up and go to her room. The other two kids, six and nine, cowered on the couch with wide eyes.

Nobody won the fight. Mom went to the bedroom and cried. Jenny hid in her room. The younger two sat transfixed on the couch, afraid to move. Dad ranted and raved in the basement. And wounds were inflicted that would last for years.

Communicating in conflict is perhaps the most difficult type of communication possible. In such a tense verbal exchange, it is simply too easy to seek to inflict wounds on family members. As dads, we must remember that not all conflict is bad. It can actually be an opportunity to help our families learn to manage conflict in healthy ways. Preparation is the key. We can utilize times of peace to think through and even visualize healthy ways to help control the emotional explosions often found in family fights. Let me offer several suggestions: ...

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Written by Carey Casey

Date Posted: Tuesday, 20 May 2008

Love is more than cuddling by a fireplace. Actually, sometimes it's the opposite of staying warm and toasty.

I have a vivid memory of my Pop and the daily commitment he had to his family—especially how he served my mother. It’s one way he displayed the Loving aspect of Championship Fathering .

One frosty Virginia Sunday morning, the family car was broken down and my mother needed groceries. Pop said, “Come on, boys. You’re coming with me.” I can still hear his wing-tip shoes crunching on the gravel as he walked along toward the store and we followed him. It was not what I wanted to do that morning, but the experience stuck with me. And that experience still comes to mind when I think of a husband showing love to his bride. 

That probably isn’t the classic picture of love between a man and a wife. It’s not like a scene from a romance novel or TV movie—but it’s real. Sometimes love means doing things you don’t feel like doing. It’s walking for groceries on a cold morning; it’s doing the dishes or laundry; it’s getting up at 3 a.m. to feed the new baby; it’s going out of your way because there’s something she needs. 

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Written by the dads @ fathers.com

Date Posted: Saturday, 02 February 2008

A recent study from the University of California looked at working men and women—how they handled job-related stresses and how long it took to put aside the day's stresses once they got home. It's no surprise that the men and women handled stresses differently: the men brought work home but tended to leave work-related emotional issues at the office or worksite; the women were more likely to worry longer about interpersonal issues and interactions from work.

There were also other findings that are relevant to dads who are married or in romantic relationships.

The women who said they had a good marriage did much better at relieving the stress of the day than women who said they weren’t in that kind of relationship. The women who handled stress more successfully reported three common factors—or strengths of their husbands—that really made a difference. These can apply to all married dads. After all, at-home moms work hard and deal with stressful encounters too. Here’s what you can do to help your wife relieve the stress of a long day:

• Be ready to listen. The women reported that their husbands allowed them to vent in some detail about the ups and downs of their day without giving advice. Women typically need to talk more than we do, guys. They need us to be patient listeners.
• Get busy. Help with household duties and childcare tasks. Shouldering a share of the work should come naturally for any man who wants to be a sensitive husband and committed father.
• Change the mood. Demonstrate love and affirmation in a variety of ways. Give her a hug and a kiss, and tell her how special she is to you. If she arrives home—or you arrive home—and she’s carrying a lot of emotional baggage from the day, you can give her a clear indication that your relationship is a safe haven, a refuge from the other worries and stresses of the day.

Another great benefit of all these actions is that they set a great example for your sons and daughters. Your children are watching you, and when they see your acts of devotion and service, they’ll gain a lot of security and will take those positive pictures of your marriage into their own relationships some day.

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Written by Ken Canfield

Date Posted: Saturday, 28 April 2007

When a family breaks up, what happens to the children?

Divorce is a tragedy. It often devastates the couple involved, and worrying about the children is an added burden. There are short-term concerns, like schoolwork, social behavior, and the stress of going back and forth between households.

But even worse are the long-term questions. Will they repeat my mistakes? Are their marriages doomed to end in divorce also? Common wisdom and a lot of research would tell us that, yes, children of divorce are much more likely to divorce when they grow up.

But I came across a research study that should give some hope to divorced dads who are worried about their kids’ future. A team of researchers from Iowa State University found that though a legacy of divorce is a significant and challenging factor, there are other factors involved, like the quality of the one-on-one relationships with their parents after the divorce. The researchers believe that our children will learn much about relationships through their daily interactions with us as well as by watching the way we handle our marriages.

Now, there appear to be some limitations in this study. They observed teenagers over a span of about eight years as they related to their parents and in their own romantic relationships. The next twenty or thirty years will really tell the tale. And I’ve spoken with many divorced people who discover that they are, in many ways, following in their parents’ footsteps.

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Written by Ken Canfield

Date Posted: Monday, 30 April 2007

One of the best things a father can do for his kids is love their mother and build a strong marriage. The effort you put into your marriage is worth it to your children.

To prove that, I'm going right to the source. Just listen to this sixth grade girl who wrote about her father for one of our essay contests. She writes:

Everybody in my family has had to put up a lot with all the things that have gone wrong. One thing about this divorce is that when I go over to my friends' house to spend the night or something, their fathers usually come in and say, "good-night," not "good-bye." When my father comes over to get something and he is about to leave, he always comes over and kisses me on the cheek and then says "good-bye," and walks out. And it hurts a lot. Sometimes I want to just cry. I wish this never happened. . .

This girl feels the pain so deeply that she is tuned in to subtle nuances like the difference between "good-night" and "good-bye." Her father may see her regularly and show her physical affection, but still the dominant images of her father will always bring her pain. ...

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Written by the dads @ fathers.com

Date Posted: Monday, 30 April 2007

No argument, communication is the lifeblood of a marriage. But for some men, the notion of sitting down for some extended sharing time with their wives is intimidating. Not that we have an excuse—our wives need to hear from us often about our lifelong devotion to them.

But let's look at an idea that’s probably less intimidating. Just a little bit of effort—a moment each day—can help revitalize your marriage.

Like any married couple with young kids, Greg and Elaine live a busy lifestyle. Greg was running his own business, and one evening he brought home one of the disciplines from his work.

Thinking of his relationship with Elaine and how the intimacy had dropped over the years, he began writing notes and leaving them for her, one a day, in the bathroom. They weren’t real involved, just a short thought or two about the day, a note of appreciation, a word of encouragement, or an expression of love.

Sometimes the notes were whimsical, sometimes poetic; some were simple and direct. When needed, some offered apologies.

You can imagine how this small but regular gesture changed and invigorated Greg and Elaine’s marriage. ...

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